Being There for Your Partner in Recovery
By Lori Wilkerson Hilliard
It can be heartbreaking when someone you love has an addiction. When they announce that they’re going into an addiction treatment program, your first reaction is likely to be one of relief.
But seeking help is the first step in a long process, and recovery isn’t easy. Knowing how to be there for your loved ones without falling into the trap of enabling them or sabotaging their progress is crucial to their success.
Make sure they know you love and support them. Now isn’t the time to say, “I told you so” or “Finally. It took you long enough.” Your partner has taken the important first step and is in desperate need of approval and support. Now is the time to tell them you love them, support them and are glad that they are taking a step in the right direction.
This doesn’t mean minimizing the challenges ahead or pretending they are already cured. You should acknowledge that you understand just how difficult it will be and that you are confident they can succeed. When a person goes into a drug treatment program, they often feel that everyone has lost faith in them, which makes it very difficult. Hearing their partner say they believe in them can be a tremendous boost to their belief in themselves.
Commit to the long-term process. Recovery is a long, slow and painful process. If you’re going to be there for your partner, you have to be in it for the long haul. Don’t expect a full recovery in a matter of weeks, or even months. Be willing to commit to the idea that recovery is a process that takes years.
Relapse is common when someone is in addiction recovery. Keep in mind that this is part of the long-term battle. Encouraging your partner to recommit and attend meetings, see their counselor or anything else that may help is important. Don’t accuse them of failing or withdraw your support if they stumble; help them get back up and started again.
Let go of the past. Placing blame, pointing out the damage they’ve done or judging their past mistakes are all counterproductive. When your partner enters recovery, they are pledging themselves to a new and brighter future. Be willing to let go of past hurts and work toward a better future with them.
In many cases, there is lingering resentment and understandable anger from a partner who has watched someone they love spiral into addiction. It can be very beneficial for you as a partner to go to counseling on your own. You will learn how to cope with your feelings and move on to a better place where something new can be built out of your old relationship. If your partner is willing, suggest couple’s counseling or meet with your partner’s addiction counselor to get some guidance.
Be open to uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes addiction recovery requires that addicts face their past mistakes, confess their failures or simply come to terms with problems in their current relationships. Don’t deny your partner the chance to talk about uncomfortable or unpleasant situations from the past. Be willing to listen and truly hear what they are trying to say.
Acknowledging the validity of their feelings gives them a sense of security. You don’t have to agree with their reasoning or accept excuses, but you should be able to accept how they felt at the time. Many addicts have to face their past before they can overcome it. Don’t brush aside their attempts to do this.
Set clear boundaries. You can be supportive without letting a person in recovery have everything they want immediately. In fact, strict boundaries are beneficial. If your partner couldn’t cope with managing the household budget, watching the children for long stretches of time or being in an intimate relationship with you during their addiction, giving all of these responsibilities and privileges back to them at the same time would very likely be overwhelming.
Sit down and have a clear discussion of what your partner has the right to ask of you and how much responsibility they are able to take on. Set specific goals before your relationship will move on to the next level. For instance, allow your partner unsupervised time with the children after they have proven they are trustworthy by paying their bills on time for a set length of time. Or promise to work on intimacy again with your partner only when you are confident they will not use it as an emotional weapon against you.
Look for actions, not words. Addicts often make empty promises. Don’t let your partner get away with making them. Make it clear that part of recovery involves proving by their actions that their promises are no longer empty words. Hold them to the standard you would expect of anyone who loves you — that they will demonstrate their love, not just talk about it.
Ask what your partner needs. You don’t have to give your partner everything they ask for, but be flexible and understanding. You may be surprised by what it is your partner needs most from you during addiction recovery. In some cases, it may be something as little as, “It would really help if you took the time to hug me every morning.” Or it could be, “It would be great if we could keep alcohol out of the house for a while.”
You don’t know what your partner needs until you ask. Being able to articulate what they need gives an addict some control over their lives and allows you to help in the best way possible.
Join a support group of your own. There are dozens of organizations for the friends and families of addicts. Joining a support group gives you access to valuable information and guidance. It also gives you an open, non-judgmental environment where you can let off steam, voice your fears and frustrations, and get support from others who are going through the same process you are.
